Am I a loner

I think I am a loner

and so does my mother and girlfriend

and so do my friends

But I don't...

I hate people barging inside my house and sitting there until there midnight with no agenda whatsoever and believe me... I have lots of them. I hate people coming and asking me where I bought my curtains, my cupboard, my table, whether I should have taken an lcd tv or a plasma instead of crt. I am so bored with the same discussion over and over again. It's almost like people just look around you and want to talk about things around you and those things are generally very general in nature. The niche lot of friends know you, they talk about interests, share information, generally laugh out things and at the very least are not repetitive. Some of these mind nuggets I've had recently have forced me to re-think who I am again...well... yet again.. Its quite irritating to become comfortable with yourself and then read something or come across some statement which makes you shake up and take notice, go way out in the universe and look at measly insignificant existence from afar. All this makes one feel like shit. I dont want to feel this, I want to have a selfish megalomanic existence driven only by feeling ultra confident and ultra good about myself. I really admire people who are so sure of who they are.

The above lines have been written over a period of 6 months... quite something for just 10 lines. I think I have to stop reading nonsense, people who preach 'becoming zero', 'being evolved', 'enlightenment'.. Like last week, just when I was returning to normalcy, I came across this,

'...Realization is explosive. It takes place spontaneously, or at the slightest hint. The quick is not better than the slow. Slow ripening and rapid flowering alternate. Both are natural and right. Yet, all this is so in the mind only. As I see it, there is really nothing of the kind. In the great mirror of consciousness images arise and disappear and only memory gives them continuity. And memory is material -- destructible, perishable, transient. On such flimsy foundations we build a sense of personal existence -- vague, intermittent, dreamlike. This vague persuasion: 'I-am-so-and-so' obscures the changeless state of pure awareness and makes us believe that we are born to suffer and to die... '

And it fucked my head..no matter how complicated these guys can make things, and it still is fucking it up... and I don't want to go back in the universe to look at my ugly self.. Someone please keep me grounded. Will being a loner help??? I think I am.. like, really..