Innovation and Experimentation

Its amazing how we keep surpassing ourselves in what we envision and develop. One thought 'evolving' into another, one generation into the next, everything seems to grow and multiply (shrink in the technology world...). Its all quite overwhelming actually. 

One really feels so small when looking at the bigger truths' in life. Its quite a confidence breaking thought. Feeling so small and down. But then, looking at the brighter side, I'm part of it all. i am. am i. i am...

My Life, Experiences & Dexter's Laboratory

I keep wondering about influences which have shaped my life and conditioned me into what I am today and what I will be. The first dimension of my character comes from Dexter and his Laboratory minus the sister. The amazing laboratory with gadgets and gizmo's, the big screen, the humungous super computer screen, the big keyboard, robot assistants and many other interesting things caught the imagination of a 12 year old who was always on the lookout for doing something or the other to get recognised, to do something, something big, something of note. In Dexter, he saw a possibility. My 12 year old self staring at his TV screen and wondering how he can build a lab just like that where his mom and dad and the whole extended family would come and give him a pat on the back. No notions of saving the world or anything but just pure want of being accepted. 

I still wonder that at that age, how on earth did the want of being accepted get in my head.

There was so much which one could have done. Stuff like dreaming, going treasure hunting in my friends garden, lounging around the whole day without a thought in the head or guilt in the heart.

All of which I did do, but wish I could have done it more and moreover eliminate the idea of acceptance. Maybe, I can just blame on television, movies and parental competitiveness. But its amazing to see how life shapes up, one event affecting the other in such a way that sometimes I wonder what would I have been if my mother would not have compared me to another kid. Many such trivial events, which I'm trying so hard to trace, have really resulted in me being me. Its so scary that I question the existence of my 'self' many times. 

Getting back to my influences,

Dexter is sure in me somewhere

, my decisions, my life, my experiences have somehow been affected by my love of the character. Another one in the category is this one called Johny Bravo, wonder why the geek in me then chose to relate to him, the elvis haired well built hulk who always had a bad time with the women, <--- guess it explains itself better now. Its amazing how I realise so many things after actually writing them down, wonder where that came from, maybe my obsession to cram up things by always writing them down when I was young. And thats why I write this blog apart from many other reasons, maybe even the suppressed want to be accepted which still lurks around that head of mine trying to get some time off my conscious mind.

Anyways, I cant really think of any more influences now. And

I'm really trying to go low on my mental masturbation

. So, I better get down to work, now that I've drained myself a little. Another question to thin air, how did people who did not know how to read or write or even think, people who were purely instinctive? I wonder

Who dare speak..

I would not dare  speak my thoughts, for I am constantly judged. I myself dont find any reason for my thought. Everything I think can be related/ associated back to something/ somebody/ some experience. And all I want to do is live and be free. Now, speaking ones thoughts would amount to a hell of a liability. First speaking what you feel and then living up to it, sometimes justifying it, getting other people to send you all kinds of vibes.. god, its such a  big thing. 

The past few months have been full of mental turmoil, of questioning and more questioning, of existential thoughts and universal answers. All I can derive from them is just a pure state of 'extreme non-productive thought'. But, what the hell, lets just chill out and live. Have been studying Indian cinema in the 50's and the 60's and its amazing to see and experience the passion of the people then. Wonder if it was just the hype created around these individuals and their caricaturisation or were they actually so sensitive, true and honest to their art. 

At some level, I also consider myself to be very honest and sensitive to my art. The difference being that art for me could be anything. Repairing a computer is as exciting, mind engaging and satisfying as making a film. 

I dont feel like writing anymore today. Its such a waste of time, putting down your thoughts and ideas, knowing you will never refer back to them. Its best to live in the moment. Experience what I can experience now and sit back and watch the world go on its usual routine. 

The reason for reason

Sometimes it becomes increasingly difficult to reason the reason for reason. How can one judge a film, a piece of art, a sculpture, a building or any other creation? Who decides what is good or bad? Mostly, the basis for one's standpoint is his minds association with various other similar works. Considering that all strands of thought flow from a common universal consciousness, it is only a persons association with the subject which leads him to decide whether the creation touches him or not. I've many times seen it happening to myself. I would hate a film, whine for hours because I could not connect with it, see everyone else calling it a great piece of art, go see it again, same disconnected feeling again, finally letting go of it to flow in my sub-conscious. This leads me to reason that all of us are made up of our associations and conditioning. That is what we are, without them we are zero. They define us, they make up our being .... 

Show a very artistic jungle boy a great da vinci painting and he is sure to admire it for the fineness with which the wood of the frame has been cut and polished. He may even make a very nice colourful shirt of the canvas and use the wood to decorate his cave door. How can one judge a film? I personally feel that it is absolutely killing to judge any creation. Although I still struggle at various times in trying not to criticise, give my own opinion, show off a bit of my knowledge pool and tell everyone how cool I am, but I hope to crystallize my conviction of not judging anything and anyone for that matter. Here, another thought comes to my mind. In the process of forcing myself to do something something, do I drive myself away from what I naturally do. Do I go even further from being free. Its almost like another layer of pointless thought on the present layer. This is where my mind fucks itself up and gets lost in endless circles. 

What is the point really? I dont want to reason (shit! another thought), I will try not to (its still a thought), I'll be free and try to naturally negate my current thought process (IT IS STILL A THOUGHT OVER THOUGHT OVER THOUGHT AND ONE DAY YOU'LL BECOME A SEDIMENTARY ROCK)...... (no thought)  

The beginning of the beginning..

I search and I search but I have still not found a place on earth to call mine. I'm really a confused ghost trying to figure out what life is all about. At the end of the day, everything seems so fuzzy and blurry and pointless. But there are times when there is reason, those are the times when I loose myself in those thoughtless moments, when everything seems real, when I myself become more aware. But  these moments just flicker by, leaving me breathlessly waiting for the next one. Is death the answer? Or is enlightenment? Or life is just perfect as it is and I'm just a victim of my own conditioning,  trying to look for 'something else' when I already have 'something'. Whatever it is, I will never know. All I know is that there is something which keeps me going, like a feed from the collective consciousness of the universe. I was born to live and I will live to die. But I am born and I will live. This is the beginning. The beginning of the beginning..