Searching for the unknown in the known... Amusing ourselves.. are we??

I constantly meet or hear about people who're searching for the unknown, trying to unlock the mystery towards happiness and self realisation. First, why does one want to attain the unknown, enlightenment, moksha etc etc.. One reason I have noticed is to have an edge over your neighbor, to have something which very few have, to be part of that exclusive club.. Why do we constantly want to make ourselves better people.. better people for me... simply means more 'socially trained'. Even I am constantly looking for what I don't have. I wasn't born with what I have anyway like all of us, just picked up stuff instinctively along the way and when I became aware and confident enough to question, I started questioning my own 'self'. I use whatever I have picked up to question what other people have. All this leads me to a very suicidal tendency, one which tells me that whatever one comes with, covets, attains or does not attain.. mokha, enlightenment, samsara etc etc, are they all just terms we use to look forward to something in life, which in itself gives us the drive to live. Does it all actually exist or do we just amuse ourselves with something invented just for the same purpose, to make us all live, to survive, to carry on this race.. reproduce, fulfill your purpose in life and perish...

As of now, I feel that Death is the only enlightenment, the only moksha, the only salvation...

Which, of course, does not in any way mean that I'm going to die and get over with it. I still believe in that nameless energy which runs it all. It would not be possible for this planet to survive without it. But I feel that me and people like me, people who keep searching, are all blind. Because we keep searching for the unknown in the known. We don't, or at least, I don't want to let go of the reality I hold onto. I don't even think of venturing into unknown territory. Its like sitting in a cinema hall and getting involved in the reality of the film and after two hours, coming out safe and sound. I know that for any real transformation, I need to venture out into that unknown territory, open the blindfolds of my consciousness and stop kidding my own self or whatever I am.

Maybe I'll go out of the hall and see if I have courage enough to try some popcorn for a start...

'Unlearning' the learnt

As I learn and grow, I have begun to realize that I'm having to unlearn whatever education, literal and social, has been given to me in the form of school and general social skills. Of course, 'unlearning the learnt' for me applies to my life in general as well but that debate is one my heart chooses not to get into. All I credit my general education for is making me historically aware and giving my basic principles of various subjects, which I could've learnt anyway (And I think would have loved to learn via the nature way of learning things (like someone discovering fire, yet again). Having not been to college, dropping out after some six months or something, I think and feel that I have learnt much more in three years than I ever did in my 12 odd years of school life. The turn my thought process takes now is towards letting go of whatever conditioning and notions I have developed about ideal lives, relationships, knowledge. Memorable experiences which I can still remember at 23 include the joy of cycling halfway through the city, the fear of not being able to get back and then the 'freeing' journey back. For me, this experience taught me more than I did sitting in my class. As far as I can remember, I loved to learn and create and loved the very idea of creation, then why did I not love sitting in my class listening about history, or solving exciting problems in math. I love doing that now, then why did I not then. Maybe because I was told that I 'had' to do this and I told the world to fuck and not tell me what to do. I don't remember any of my life in class in school and I've selectively forgotten most of the knowledge gained from there (Whatever has seeped in my sub-conscious is obviously there).

I thank my father, who was actually quite stupid and intelligent at the same time, to challenge a 15 year old with a history of rebellion to go out and try earning a single rupee. He actually wanted to prove to me of how difficult it is to survive and earn and feed a family (a lesson which I learnt the very hard way later) but of course I started earning and at one point was earning enough to lend him and be fully self-reliant. It was obviously super cool at that time and I applied for a call center job, got a good pay packet, fell in love with someone 11 years older than me, moved out of the house and got a bachelors pad with friends and respective girlfriends, got broke hungry and homeless at one point, moved to Mumbai then and blah blah blah... So much has happened and all this struggle, both external and internal has taught me a lot or at least I would like to believe so but what I now think is that I constantly want to keep something inside of me, something which assures me of my identity, it replaces itself as I press the reset button of my life every some years but there is always something there. I keep unlearning the learnt and its turned into a cyclic exercise. There is never any emptiness...

Emptiness which I so much desire but never get... or my self rejects it because its something which is always in reach. I refuse to let go of the chains of reality because that is what gives me my identity. Even if the idea of emptiness seems so calm and something to covet, I reject it and fight it. Such a dumb paradox.

So as I continue to replace my inner self with more replacements thoughts which keep one going and satisfied with the idea that there is some change (fake growth) happening, I still yearn for that emptiness which is for a time I have courage enough to say 'fuck you' to the world I call my own.

My thoughts find themselves wavering towards questioning the very existence of spirituality and that higher energy which I so believe in.. Do we just invent things to keep ourselves happy and satisfied about the continuity of life by constructing these myths around us. But that is for another day..